It's 3am and I cannot sleep. It's been a busy day and my heart and mind have been distracted for so long that it is at this time that the Lord saw fit to wake me, to stir me.
Lately God has been giving me tremendous strength to endure what can sometimes seems like an endless parade of activity and endeavors. And last night He once again showed me just how good and great a God He is. Amongst the activity of getting the kiddos feed, bathed, and ready for bed, Eden threw an outright fit. It was like an all out assault against all that was good and true, and as my precious four-year old lie flailing on the ground I thought to myself that Eden often picks the most unfavorable times to freak out. Unfortunately my hands were tied as I was currently giving Adele a bath, and spanks would have to be postponed for another moment. Finally, after all had quited down, the opportune time had passed and Eden slowly quieted down on her own. Upon marching her up to bed she asked for a bedtime snack and so I gave her a granola bar and together we sat on her bed. Eden has a little orange Gideon Bible that she often likes to carry around and tonight she asked me to read something from it. I thought a psalm would be appropriate and so I read Psalm 84:
How lovely is your dwelling place, O LORD Almighty! My soul yearns, even faints, for the courts of the LORD; my heart and my flesh cry out for the living God. Even the sparrow has found a home, and the swallow a nest for herself, where she may have her young— a place near your altar, O LORD Almighty, my King and my God. Blessed are those who dwell in your house; they are ever praising you. Selah
Blessed are those whose strength is in you, who have set their hearts on pilgrimage.
As they pass through the Valley of Baca[Weeping], they make it a place of springs; the autumn rains also cover it with pools. They go from strength to strength, till each appears before God in Zion.
Hear my prayer, O LORD God Almighty; listen to me, O God of Jacob. Selah
Look upon our shield,O God; Look with favor on your anointed one. Better is one day in your courts than a thousand elsewhere; I would rather be a doorkeeper in the house of my God than dwell in the tents of the wicked. For the LORD God is a sun and shield; the LORD bestows favor and honor [grace and glory]; no good thing does he withhold from those whose walk is blameless. O LORD Almighty, blessed is the man who trusts in you."Grace, mama!" Eden exclaimed in the middle of the Psalm, I put my finger up to tell her to hold her thought and finished the psalm. "Grace, I know that name!"
"Oh, do you know what grace means Eden?" I then began to tell Eden that grace was undeserved favor, when you get something that you don't really deserve. As E sat there munching on her bar I told her it's like when mama gives you a treat, even though you had a bad attitude...that's grace. At this point Eden looked at me smiled a sweet, sensitive, dare I say convicted smile, and laid down in my lap. "Mama I just want you to hold me." And so I did. A few moments later as I was putting her to bed I explained that God granted us grace when He sent Jesus to die on the cross for our sins. "It was a sin to get mad at mama."
"Yes, Eden it was. But I will always love you and so I grant you grace." And with that Eden sat in my lap and we snuggled for a bit before bed. Grace.
Amazing grace. And now I sit here at 3 in the morning. God woke me up. I have been angry and bitter. Insecure and distracted. And for that I apologize and humbly ask for forgiveness and grace. Grace as I figure out how to walk with God, grace as I (well both Pete and I) try to move our family in a good direction, a Godly direction. It has not been easy with us both being in school and now with the last few weeks of the semester upon us, both Pete and I are feeling the pressure and the weight of our decision. But I would not change a thing. Lord this is all a living sacrifice for You. My thoughts, my day, my life, my intelligence, my hopes, my desires, my heart! School and work and money and degrees, it's all going to burn I see that now! Please help me to live according to Your will. The meat in life is what I experience last night with Eden, that's joy!
Honestly I am tremendously insecure. I hate doing things differently from those around me. I feel most at home safe and secure in the middle of the herd, just doing what everyone else is doing and not making a fuss. But now that I am in school full time, I have found that my life looks a lot different from my friends. My kids go to "school", childcare really, most mornings of the week as Pete and I head off to school ourselves. I have had a hard time with this, but I think my distress is not from God. Let me just say that I know this is what God has for our family right now. This is what
God wants. And yes, I love school, I love that I'm finally going to be getting my nursing degree and may one day become a midwife! But really Pete and I are just trying to be responsible for our family and at this point, this is what needs to happen. If I could go back ten years I would have done things a little differently but this is how it is. And yet I feel I must hang my head when I talk about school and the kids and their school. I can't look people in the eye and I fumble...it's like I'm trying to explain or excuse or defend our situation. I don't know why I feel ashamed. I feel different. I'm having a hard time at just being different. I'm afraid people are judging Pete and I and my sinful preoccupation with what others may or, most likely, may not be thinking, is a burden. But this is something that we must walk through we can not go around. "Blessed are those whose strength is in you, who have set their hearts on pilgrimage. As they pass through the Valley of Baca [Weeping] , they make it a place of springs; the autumn rains also cover it with pools. They go from strength to strength, till each appears before God in Zion. Hear my prayer, O LORD God Almighty; listen to me, O God of Jacob. " Our school, our house, our family is just as God wants it. So I guess are hearts are set on this adventure and for me it's mostly good really! Just a little different....and so again I just ask for grace.
So this Christmas season I discovered that when it comes to gifts, I work really well with themes. For Eden this year, her theme was "Music, Art, and Dance".
